I Never Found The Answer – Eric A – Orlando

 Looking for the answer seemed like a lifelong quest. What am I talking about? The good life. It seems like all my life I struggled to be a part of society and could never quite make it. I tried my best, but I would just fall short of achieving my goals. I was a good kid – I think. I never caused any trouble in school, never got into any altercations with the police or any adults in the neighborhood. I felt like I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Feelings are not facts, but I knew deep down that I was different. Then to add insult to injury, I would hear my parents say things like – why don’t you try harder, or why don’t you try to be more like your brothers. I don’t think anyone understood how desperately I wanted to be like everyone else, instead of just being me. After several years of being rejected from all types of groups, I started to isolate. I would go to school and not speak, unless a teacher specifically called on me. I would go home and stay in my room for hours at a time. I did not find anyone on Facebook to converse with, or any other social media venue. My parents didn’t know that by this time the only way I got temporary relief was by drinking. I would steal their booze or get some wino to buy me a bottle of vodka. I would have bottles stashed all around the house, the yard and even in my locker at school. The alcohol worked for a long time, but like every good thing, there are consequences. I became very aggressive and argumentative with everyone. My parents decided that I should talk to a psychologist. He told my parents that I might need medication. He stated that he knew a psychiatrist who would be able to give me a more in-depth diagnosis and prescribe medication, if needed. He also told them about my drinking and suggested that I attend AA meetings. The psychiatrist prescribed medication which made me feel very different than I had ever felt before but not in a good way. I, therefore, stopped taking the meds. I did, however, keep attending the AA meetings. Not because I believed that I was an alcoholic, but rather, I compared the sad stories I heard with the sadness I felt all my life. I was at a meeting one night with my eyes closed as usual, and I heard the speaker say something that actually warmed my heart. He said that a doctor told him, “THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVER HAVE TO COMPETE AGAINST IS YOURSELF.” Oh my GOD, what a relief that statement brought to me. It was like a picture I saw years ago of a cat looking in a mirror and seeing a lion in the reflection. My life finally made sense to me. IT’S NOT HOW OTHERS SEE YOU, BUT RATHER, HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF. I LIED TO YOU ABOUT THE TITLE. I FOUND MY ANSWER.