Where Did Suzy Go? — This Alcoholic Found Herself in A.A. — Suzy P., Orlando

 In the darkness of my mind, happiness is too hard to find. Punished by my past, good thoughts would never last. Feeling guilt, shame, and fear would continue year after year. Nothing will rid me of the darkness leaving me so lost and alone. There is no peace and understanding. Why do others feel free or happy? What is Joy? Love? Those people must be pretending that feelings like that can exist. They may be fooling themselves but they are not fooling me! I don’t know where Suzy is but I don’t like her anyway, and I certainly don’t love her! This is just a nightmare and if I just continue to drink when I feel miserable it will help dull the pain of the reality that I can no longer face. The truth is, I will not find Suzy and that’s a good thing. Suzy does not deserve to be happy and she certainly cannot make anyone else happy. Even if I found her she has ruined her chances for life’s blessings, joy, love, and happiness. Maybe she can surrender. If she can ask for help to cope with misery, then she can find the Suzy that she was intended to be. The path seemed much better once I decided that Suzy was no longer going to suffer. The clouds separated, making each day a new beginning. The road behind seemed vague, but the road ahead seemed clear. Hope is here and happiness is near! It is possible to recover and forgive myself, remembering the past if only to help others find their way. I can love and be loved. Helping those who suffer will be part of my permanent road ahead for recovery. I found Suzy and I like who she is becoming one day at a time! Thanks to AA and my spiritual belief, God, I have been shown the way for my life today and from this day forward. Thanks to the fellowship and the program of AA, I can be safe as can those around me and in my care. I can be a friend, a sister, an aunt, a mother, a wife, and a daughter. Never, ever give up on yourself. Always remember that you are here for a reason and God makes no mistakes!