I was born in what you could say was the Summer Of Hope. I had loving parents, great friends, good schools and helpful siblings. My parents, I think, tried to understand why I sabotaged everything I touched, but they could not. I started my Winter Of Despair early in life, and it lasted over thirty-seven years. I had to hold back the tears I felt inside because I could not let anyone know the pain I felt.
I believe at the beginning that I drank to be a part of, then out of necessity, and in the end, out of desperation. The challenges in life that I once embraced now terrified me because I began to see myself as a failure. If I had been a car and the check engine light had come on, I would have taken myself to a mechanic. So, I started seeing a therapist. I moved on to a psychiatrist, and then I entered mental hospitals. I always received the same response, that it was hard to get an accurate diagnosis while I continued to drink. I knew, or at least I thought I knew, that alcohol was a secondary problem, that my main problem was fear. Alcohol served two purposes for me. It was not only my salvation from taking a realistic look at myself; it also was my excuse to fail.
If I were to try and write my autobiography it would be filled with blank pages after blank pages, after pages, due to the many blackouts I had which became more and more frequent as the years went by. If someone were to accuse me of something, I could not deny it because half the time my life was like a sci-fi picture with me being transported from one place to another. I would wake up in places and not remember when leftef the last place I was at. I would ride the subways back and forth from end to end until I awoke from another drunken stupor.
I can’t even remember how or why I found AA, but I did, and I have been a staunch member for the past eleven years. I attend meetings on a regular basis. I have a sponsor, and I belong to a men’s group where we talk about the issues men have to overcome once they surrender to recovery.
Now I wake up to my old SUMMER OF HOPE and I thank God for the SUNSHINE IN MY LIFE!
Eric A – Orlando