A Balancing Act I always envisioned motherhood as being like the movies – kids run off to school, I’d tidy the house for a bit, maybe exercise, pick up the kids, fx dinner and “wine” down the day. The kids would always go to bed on time, pick up their stuff, help me with chores, and never talk back to me. Wow! How I was wrong! I always wanted to be a mom, but somewhere in between that dream and today, I became an alcoholic, and let me tell you, I am so grateful.
I have first shared insight into my mother. She was a stay-at-home mom, and she never drank or smoked. She attended all my extracurricular events, which annoyed me as a teenager, ran an in-home daycare for mostly children of teachers in our town, and volunteered for almost everything. Being the baby of the family, and the only girl, I gave her hell. I clearly remember her regularly saying the Lord’s Prayer (out loud) when she was upset with me or one of my two other brothers. Even though her in-the-heat-of-the-moment prayer became a joke later on in life, I now understand why she did it.
After high school, I moved to the city and started a new life. I talked to my Mom on a daily basis until she unexpectedly passed away in 2004. The night my mom passed away, I asked a friend to bring me a 12-pack of beer because I didn’t want to think or feel the sadness, guilt and loneliness. At that moment, I honestly believe, I crossed the invisible line where I didn’t know how to live…with or without alcohol. It became a way of life. I was the party girl attempting to live the free-spirit, exciting life. Drinking was an extracurricular activity, a way to measure distance while driving, a vision of what I believed was part of motherhood – wine down Wednesdays, wine with the ladies while the kids play in the yard, wine with cooking, happy hour and more drinking. It would be a beautiful thing to be a classy mother with beautiful kids and a white picket fence. I once went to dinner and was talking about having children. The person I was with told me I’d never be able to stop drinking for nine months. My response was “Well, it’s ok to have a glass or two after 6 months.” I was never blessed with a child while I was drinking and I’m grateful for that.
I moved to Florida from Michigan August of 2007, and in July 2009, I walked into Alcoholic Anonymous for the first time ever. I hit my emotional bottom, barely skirting jail, losing a job and landing a weekend in the psych ward. I was miserable, full of fear and had no purpose. Fast forward to six months into sobriety, I found out I did have a purpose ….I was pregnant. So, I was not only floating on the pink cloud, I also had a good boost of hormones to keep me there. I continued with meetings, started my steps and slowly things got better. I took our daughter to meetings, which was uncomfortable in the beginning and I was scared she’d have a meltdown. Some members openly disliked my daughter being at meetings, but I continued to go. I felt happier and could handle the sleepless nights much better.
Our second daughter was born almost three years later. Not only was I juggling a full time, part time and mother time job, I was struggling with someone who relapsed, and started to stop attending meetings. I began to obsess about fixing the other person. I’d drive around at midnight with a new baby and an almost three year old, trying to rescue this person. The fear was overwhelming, and it paralyzed me. Fear of being alone, fear of not being a good mother, and anything else I felt, I believed. I was of no service not only to our girls, but to myself. I was depressed, angry, frustrated and tired. It was because of the people in AA and a close friend I survived and came out stronger. My friend would answer my phone calls in the middle of the night. She encouraged me to be in regular attendance at meetings. When I shared, I felt like a broken record playing the blues at a pity party for a few weeks, but I had to get it out of my head and keep moving forward. It was the longest and most successful 15 months of my sober life.
I had to ask for help with watching the girls which meant spending less time with them. I had to bring them to meetings despite people judging me. I learned to pray more than obsess. I learned that you cannot get other people sober. I learned that my higher power was ultimately in charge, and that everything was going to work out just the way it was supposed to. I had to let go and let God. I’d lie if I said it was easy, but after I watched, without participation, someone get sober, I know now that in fact, I’m not in control.
Today, I continue to pray on a daily basis for the obsession for alcohol to be removed and to do God’s will. I attend at least three meetings a week, which sacrifices some time with the girls. The best parenting advice I’ve received that it’s about quality, not quantity. I attempt to live by this. It’s difficult some days. Remember the prayer my mom used to say when she was upset with us kids? Well, my go-to prayer is the Serenity Prayer and I say it out loud, at my girls. I clearly remember being in the heat of a temper tantrum and I started to say the Serenity Prayer, only to be interrupted by my 3-year old telling me to “stop praying mommy!” My response was, “No, I need to pray right now.” It’s my go-to method for stopping anger and frustration.
I am continuously challenged with anything from the types of food they want to eat, to bedtime, to what clothes to wear. It’s a struggle some days, but by attending meetings, listening and calling on others when I feel crazy, I’ve been able to keep calm and carry on…without a drink! Plus, dealing with the emotional tangles from kids, I would hate being hungover.
Motherhood is exhausting in and of itself. It’s a full-time job, on top of the full time job I hold. I continue to attempt to keep a balance with sobriety and motherhood. It’s challenging at times because quite honestly, I’d rather sleep on my downtime than attend meetings….but I have to do this for me. I also have do this for my girls and family.
Happy Mother’s Day to all Moms, Grandmas and single Dads! You’re amazing, courageous, and play a valuable role in the lives of your children. As a recovering alcoholic mom of two girls ages 7 and 5, hat’s of to each of you. I didn’t ever dream of saying I was an alcoholic, let alone grateful to be an alcoholic. But, I guess it was part of my bigger, untold plan.